Editor’s note: You’re reading the subscriber-only version of Sunday Shorts, which includes the podcast for each story, as well as a list of must-read books, stories, and articles you may have missed. If you enjoyed this story, please consider subscribing. Happy reading! – Matt
Welcome to the first issue of Sunday Shorts, your weekly dose of fictional short stories written by yours truly. This week’s story is based on a window, my dog’s strange pooping habits (more on that at the end), and one man’s poop shyness.
Part I: Inside the Window
Martin: the picky pooper
Fine. I’ll admit it.
I have poop shyness.
Okay. There. I said it.
The whole world knows now.
And if you really must know, I have my strict schedule of when I can and can’t poop.
Can:
Each morning at 7 sharp, just before my shower; or
At 5:17 each evening, right after I walk in the door from work
Can’t:
Any. Other. Time
If it’s not at either of those times in the comfort of my very own toilet, it doesn’t flow. I’m serious.
Before you even ask: Yes, I have tried to poop at other times. After a shower. At a friend’s house. At my parent’s house. At work. You name it and, by God, I’ve probably tried to poop there.
I know what you’re saying, “Martin, just let it go.”
Sorry, but my pooping doesn’t work that way.
If this isn’t all weird enough, it’s gotten worse lately. Every time I sit on the toilet now, I hear a voice coming from outside my window.
Sometimes it’s encouraging me to poop.
“C’mon, just poop already!”
Other times it’s frustrated that I’m not pooping.
“Really, you’re not gonna poop?”
And occasionally it congratulates me when I do poop.
“Hooray! You finallyyyy did it!”
How does it even know?!?
I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, God, Martin, you’ve really lost it now.”
But, no, really! For the past two weeks, it’s never failed to be there at the exact time I’m pooping. I don’t know what to do! I’ve tried altering my schedule, even just by minutes, but as I said, that throws my bowels into a stink.
Ughhhhh.
All this stress has me needing to poop.
But it’s 7:05, and I just missed my mark.
Part II: Beyond The Window
Michael, the frustrated dog walker
I don’t understand my dog. He’s the smartest, most stubborn beast I’ve ever met. And in four years he hasn’t learned that it’s okay to poop in a timely fashion.
Sure, maybe I’m not the best dog owner because sometimes I hit snooze a few too many times. And sure, that might cause me to rush him to do his business. But c’mon, man, there’s no need to take 20 minutes to poop when I had to leave for work 10 minutes ago!
But Milo, a runt-of-the-litter beagle with poop shyness, feels the need to sniff and pee on everything and won’t just push it out.
If that’s not frustrating enough, he has to poop in the exact same spot every time! So I’ll stand there awkwardly in front of some poor sap’s window as he sniffs the bushes and hikes his leg for the umpteenth time—to the point he’s not even peeing anymore, but just dribbling on the blades of grass below.
“Really, you’re not gonna poop?” I’ll ask him.
“C’mon, just poop already!” I’ll frantically tell him, as if my words will force his bowels to let loose.
And then on occasion, it’s: “Hooray! You finallyyyy pooped!”
But alas, no celebration today.
It’s 7:05, and I’m late for work.
About This Story
Years ago, my wife and I lived in a townhome with no backyard, so we had to walk our dogs at least twice a day to let them do their business. My dog, a beagle named Abbott, fell into this routine where he would always poop in the same place: in this one patch of monkey grass that was conveniently located outside of a window. I don’t know what was on the other side, but I always thought it would be hilariously embarrassing if there was someone trying to poop as I hurried Abbott: “C’monnnnn, man! Aren’t you gonna poop?”
Every now and then he managed to push one out.
Hooray, Abbott!
Credits this week: A Poop Story (or Lack Thereof) was written and edited by me, Matt Keyser. The audio version was read, edited, and produced by me, as well; music courtesy of typos with freesound.org.
Share this post